laughter

Twenty-five Reasons to Have a Pirate as a Friend

Warning!!! Child in Adult's Body. Expect the Unexpected!!!

  1. Pirates always know where to find rum.
  2. Nobody messes with someone who wears an eye patch, a hook, and a wooden leg.
  3. Pirates don’t spend a lot of time correcting your grammar.
  4. Pirates Arr cool.
  5. Pirates are chick magnets. They always know how to get their hands on booty.
  6. When you hang out with pirates, at least you’ll be the best smelling one in the group.
  7. You don’t have to remember which spoon or fork to use if you’re eating at a fancy restaurant.
  8. If they decide to fire their cannons, you’ll have a blast.
  9. If you accidentally fart, you can blame it on them.
  10. You won’t be spending too much time in church.
  11. You’ll probably be the designated driver of a pirate ship. How cool is that?
  12. It’s always Five ‘O’Clock Somewhere.
  13. No matter how bad you are, you’ll look like an angel next to them.
  14. If you start losing at cards, there’s always a chance the captain will stop the game when he stands on the deck.
  15. Pirates know how to seas the moment.
  16. You can get your ears pierced for a buccaneer.
  17. You won’t have to watch your language.
  18. If you forget your deodorant, no one will notice.
  19. No one’s going to make fun of you for what you’re wearing.
  20. If you spill your Starbucks all over yourself, you won’t have to change your shirt all summer.
  21. Pirates won’t nag you to call home.
  22. If you lose your toothbrush, no one will notice.
  23. No one’s going to ask if they can borrow your comb.
  24. Pirates won’t get insulted if you belch in public.
  25. Pirates don’t care whether or not you’re on a diet. The only thing they weigh are anchors.

 

Bill Hegerich

The Uncommon Mariner

To leave a comment, please click on https://billhegerichsr.wordpress.com/2016/07/11/twenty-five-reasons-to-have-a-pirate-as-a-friend/

Sixty Things You’ll Never Hear a Pirate Say

Even pirates have their limitations, but there arrrgghh just some things a pirate will never say.

Even pirates have their limitations, and there arrrgghh just some things a pirate will never say.

  1. Ye think ye can pick me up some deodorant when ye go ashore, mate?
  1. Why don’t we donate this booty to the reverend so he can build a new church?
  1. More rum? No thanks, mate. I’ve had my fill.
  1. Keep yer gold and silver, folks. Ye need it more than me.
  1. It’s Sunday, mate. Let’s bow our heads in prayer.
  1. Does this sword and pistol make me look too violent?
  1. What’s that god-awful smell?
  1. This is me last cruise, mate. After this, I’m joining a monastery.
  1. Someday I’m going to marry a sweet, wholesome, old fashion girl.
  1. A haircut and a shave please.
  1. I have more than enough. You take my share of the booty.
  1. The wenches in this tavern are far too depraved for me.
  1. May I touch yer booty? ( sez a pirate as he looks at a wench’s money.)
  1. May I touch yer booty? (sez a pirate as he eyes the rump of a curvaceous wench.)
  1. It’s been ten years since I had me a drink.
  1. Play cards? No thanks. I want to finish this article in the New York Times.
  1. Put yer clothes on, ye saucy wench. You’re embarrassing me.
  1. Let’s chase that ship down and give ‘er all our gold.
  1. We need a new flag with fairies and rainbows on it.
  1. Let’s fill our cannons with M&M’s and sweeten the world.
  1. I’m going to volunteer for the Red Cross when I get into port.
  2. Where’s the next AA meeting?

Continue reading →

Twelve Ways to Honor Your Pirate Heart

 

 

Warning!!! Child in Adult's Body. Expect the Unexpected!!!

Warning!!! Child in Adult’s Body. Expect the Unexpected!!!

           Deep down inside all of us, there’s a pirate lurking. Not the evil pirate bent on wreaking havoc and destruction, but a pirate thirsting for freedom and wild adventure. That pirate called to Mark Twain, and the very same pirate calls to you. Isn’t it time you discovered that pirate and set him or her free? Here are a few suggestions on how you can do that.

  1. Say no just once to someone who makes an unreasonable request of your time. In fact, you should never do for others what they’re more than capable of doing for themselves. You can tell them, “I can’t help you now, but I can suggest someone who can.” This frees you up to do something that makes your pirate heart sing.

  1. Disconnect yourself from the whiners. All they do is tell you how bad they have it, how bad life is treating them, how miserable they are. People like this sabotage your day. People like this sabotage your Pirate Heart. People like this ultimately sabotage your life. If you have the urge to dive off your ship and into a sea of sharks when you see someone coming, then they’re the one you want to steer your pirate ship clear of.

  1. Do something silly today. Wear a clown’s nose to the grocery store. Take the time to ask the cashier a pirate joke: “Whose overworked and underpaid? You Arrrr!”

  1. Watch a couple of reruns of your favorite TV shows.

  1. Dream. Look up cruises on the internet or a vacation hideaway you always wanted to visit. You don’t actually have to plan on going. But when you start reading about a Caribbean destination, maybe you’ll start feeling the warm sands between your toes and begin to assume the persona of a beachcomber or pirate.

  1. Wear your favorite bathing suit under your clothes all day long. It might be six degrees outside your front door, but it’ll remind your pirate spirit that the back of winter is almost broken and sunny days are ahead.

Continue reading →

Twenty-five Signs You May Be a Pirate

You May Be a Pirate if…JANUARY ODYSSEY116

  1. … You’ve ever been thrown out of a baseball game because you stole one of the bases and you weren’t even playing.
  1. … After you brush your teeth, you g-Arrgh-le with rum.
  1. … Your friends keep telling you to take a shower.
  1. … All your pets are parrots.
  1. … The Lone Ranger was your hero, but you liked his horse Silver even more.
  1. … You’re the only one in your neighborhood with the Jolly Roger flying from your flagpole.
  1. … You have a bumper sticker on your car that says, “My other car is a pirate ship.”
  1. … You spend all your free time listening to Kenney Chesney or Jimmy Buffett music.
  1. … Instead of a savings account, you bury all your money in the backyard.
  1. … Your only camera is a Cannon.
  1. … While everyone else is shaking their booty to the music, you start jingling the coins in your pocket.
  1. … Your favorite game as a kid was Hide and Sneak.
  1. … Your favorite instrument is the steal guitar.
  1. … You think a baby boomer is a small cannon.
  1. … You’re willing to pay an arm and a leg for a bottle of rum.
  1. … You have a dog named Rover.
  1. … You only watch movies rated Aaarrrrrgh.
  1. … At church you always sing, “Preys the Lord!”
  1. …When you got your ears pierced, you paid a buccaneer.
  1. … You’re a plumber and you keep asking your helper for your wench.
  1. … The only book you’ve ever read was Treasure Island.
  1. … Instead of wearing sunglasses, you wear an eye patch.
  1. … You think Jolly Ranchers are candies made just for pirates.
  1. You can’t understand why the woman in the supermarket slapped you in the face when you complimented her on her broadside.
  1. Your favorite blog is Pirates, Mariners, and the Eternal Sea.

How did you do? Less than five and you’re no pirate at all. Six to ten and you’ll be pillagin’ and plunderin’ in no time with a little more practice. Fifteen correct and you must have a pirate ship waiting to whisk you away. Twenty correct and you deserve the Golden Doubloon Award. Let me dig into my pirate’s chest. I think I have one in here somewhere. Oh, yeah! Here it is…