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Twenty-five Reasons to Have a Pirate as a Friend

Warning!!! Child in Adult's Body. Expect the Unexpected!!!

  1. Pirates always know where to find rum.
  2. Nobody messes with someone who wears an eye patch, a hook, and a wooden leg.
  3. Pirates don’t spend a lot of time correcting your grammar.
  4. Pirates Arr cool.
  5. Pirates are chick magnets. They always know how to get their hands on booty.
  6. When you hang out with pirates, at least you’ll be the best smelling one in the group.
  7. You don’t have to remember which spoon or fork to use if you’re eating at a fancy restaurant.
  8. If they decide to fire their cannons, you’ll have a blast.
  9. If you accidentally fart, you can blame it on them.
  10. You won’t be spending too much time in church.
  11. You’ll probably be the designated driver of a pirate ship. How cool is that?
  12. It’s always Five ‘O’Clock Somewhere.
  13. No matter how bad you are, you’ll look like an angel next to them.
  14. If you start losing at cards, there’s always a chance the captain will stop the game when he stands on the deck.
  15. Pirates know how to seas the moment.
  16. You can get your ears pierced for a buccaneer.
  17. You won’t have to watch your language.
  18. If you forget your deodorant, no one will notice.
  19. No one’s going to make fun of you for what you’re wearing.
  20. If you spill your Starbucks all over yourself, you won’t have to change your shirt all summer.
  21. Pirates won’t nag you to call home.
  22. If you lose your toothbrush, no one will notice.
  23. No one’s going to ask if they can borrow your comb.
  24. Pirates won’t get insulted if you belch in public.
  25. Pirates don’t care whether or not you’re on a diet. The only thing they weigh are anchors.

 

Bill Hegerich

The Uncommon Mariner

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Sixty Things You’ll Never Hear a Pirate Say

Even pirates have their limitations, but there arrrgghh just some things a pirate will never say.

Even pirates have their limitations, and there arrrgghh just some things a pirate will never say.

  1. Ye think ye can pick me up some deodorant when ye go ashore, mate?
  1. Why don’t we donate this booty to the reverend so he can build a new church?
  1. More rum? No thanks, mate. I’ve had my fill.
  1. Keep yer gold and silver, folks. Ye need it more than me.
  1. It’s Sunday, mate. Let’s bow our heads in prayer.
  1. Does this sword and pistol make me look too violent?
  1. What’s that god-awful smell?
  1. This is me last cruise, mate. After this, I’m joining a monastery.
  1. Someday I’m going to marry a sweet, wholesome, old fashion girl.
  1. A haircut and a shave please.
  1. I have more than enough. You take my share of the booty.
  1. The wenches in this tavern are far too depraved for me.
  1. May I touch yer booty? ( sez a pirate as he looks at a wench’s money.)
  1. May I touch yer booty? (sez a pirate as he eyes the rump of a curvaceous wench.)
  1. It’s been ten years since I had me a drink.
  1. Play cards? No thanks. I want to finish this article in the New York Times.
  1. Put yer clothes on, ye saucy wench. You’re embarrassing me.
  1. Let’s chase that ship down and give ‘er all our gold.
  1. We need a new flag with fairies and rainbows on it.
  1. Let’s fill our cannons with M&M’s and sweeten the world.
  1. I’m going to volunteer for the Red Cross when I get into port.
  2. Where’s the next AA meeting?

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