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Pirates, and the Eternal Sea.

Why Didn’t We Put a Real Pirate in Office?

Even pirates have their limitations, but there arrrgghh  just some things a pirate will never say.

Putting a Real Pirate in office isn’t as hard as you think. 

The election is over and Donald Trump is the president elect of the United States. Hopefully, he will lead this country wisely and bravely for the next four years.

I have my doubts considering his remarks and behavior during the primaries and this past election bid. The man gushed unashamedly about how he likes to ogle naked women as they change for a beauty contest. It’s one thing to have your private sexual fantasies and another to act on them.

He also bubbled with joy about grabbing women’s genitals without fear of repercussion because he was a celebrity. I wonder how many women he’ll actually attempt to fondle now that he’s even more of a celebrity. I suspect if he tries it with Angela Merkel, chancellor of West Germany, he’ll be in for a surprise.

Of course, all of this is not exactly the stuff role models and leaders are made of. So how do you explain him to your teenage son or daughter?

His opponent put up a fantastic fight, actually winning more votes than he did.  She no doubt would have made a fine president, but a quirk in our electoral college circumvented that. So forty-eight percent of Americans decided they liked a borderline pervert instead. And to think that many of those who selected him were Evangelical Christians who believe in the straight and narrow path. I can only guess their value system aligns with Donald Trump’s, so it leaves me more than a little confused how groping and humiliating women, Hispanics, and special needs persons fits into organized religion.

Now that the dust has cleared, I’m wondering why someone like Jimmy Buffett didn’t run for office. He’s smart just like Donald Trump. He’s funny, unlike Donald Trump. He’s engaging unlike Donald Trump. And he’s a good businessman just like Donald Trump. Look at how he’s packed his concerts city after city over the years. Margaritaville restaurants and stores which grew systemically from his songs are thriving. Even though the music poohbahs who give out awards have largely neglected his achievements, his loyal parrothead fans now include their children and their children’s children.

Because Jimmy’s trademark is pirates and parrots, I have no trouble seeing the White House filled with these colorful creatures. Jimmy has always been a pirate. There’s a story about how in his earlier years, he stole peanut butter and sardines from a local supermarket to keep from starving. I believe he made restitution a long time ago. His story is recounted in his song The Peanut Butter Conspiracy.

I bet Donald Trump was never hungry a day in his life. Judging from his physical appearance, he sure doesn’t appear to have been. In fact, he received a nice little nest egg from his dad to get him started. Jimmy, on the other hand, had to endure a lot of hard times before he finally made it big. No nest eggs from his family. Just good family values and a pirate heart that told him he could do anything he set his mind to. Arrrgggh!

Of course, everyone knows pirates are noted for their swashbuckling derring-do. Neither Hillary nor Trump fit that role. Hillary is just a smart, boring, no nonsense, nose-to-the-grindstone kind of lady who works damn hard at everything she does. Trump may seem to come closest to a pirate persona, but that’s because people confuse brashness fueled by an insatiable ego with bravery. There’s nothing brave about bullying people who aren’t as powerful or rich as you.

I think if we had a pirate in the White House, a lot of the problems around the world could be resolved pretty quickly. Imagine world leaders attending a party with lots of rum, Caribbean music, steel drum bands, even Jimmy Buffett’s Coral Reefer Band with the Coral Reefer dancers. (No groping allowed!)

The joviality and goodwill would go far to convince world leaders to compromise for the sake of world peace and justice. That’s better than some plan to “bomb the s**t out of them” or telling world leaders to “go f**k themselves.”

It always amazed me how much pirate was inside Harry Truman. Now there was a president with pirate blood in his veins. He sure had what it took to bring world leaders together after World War II when he moved the White House to Key West. Well, he didn’t really move it to Key West, but he said he had a good mind to when his doctors sent him there for his health.

Did you know the Joint Chiefs of Staff met in the Little West White House just two blocks off crazy Duval Street to create the Department of Defense? Harry’s poker table had a special top made for it, and when domestic and foreign dignitaries visited, everyone’s poker hand was left where it was, and the top placed over it ready for negotiations.

Incidentally, I don’t think our president elect would have been very happy with Truman. The only groping allowed was poker hands and Margaritas.

As president, Donald Trump has promised to build walls to keep people out after years of America letting millions of immigrants in. I have a hard time seeing someone like Jimmy Buffett or Kenny Chesney trying to build walls. They’re more the type to knock them down so people of all types can share the best of what makes us human.

I wish Donald Trump well. I hope he remembers that less than half of Americans actually voted for him, so that whatever he does, it is for the good of as many people as possible. I also hope he remembers to play some tropical music in the White House and import a few parrots. Maybe some rich billionaire could donate a couple palm trees to put somewhere in a greenhouse there. I bet he knows a couple.

Finally, it wouldn’t hurt to invite Jimmy Buffett and Kenny Chesney to the White House to set the tone for negotiations when world leaders gather there. The only other thing I think would help him steer a course is the addition of a few pirate books to the presidential library. I have a few I would gladly donate. That and a map of the world. It’s always a good idea if you’re president to know where all the countries of the world are in case there’s a crisis.

And in the next presidential election, I hope Americans find there’s a real pirate on the ballot. I think Harry Truman would approve.

                                                 Billl Hegerich

                                                The Uncommon Mariner

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