Even pirates have their limitations, and there arrrgghh just some things a pirate will never say.

1. Ye think ye can pick me up some deodorant when ye go ashore, mate?

2. Why don’t we donate this booty to the reverend so he can build a new church?

3. More rum? No thanks, mate. I’ve had my fill.

4. Keep yer gold and silver, folks. Ye need it more than me.

5. It’s Sunday, mate. Let’s bow our heads in prayer.

6. Does this sword and pistol make me look too violent?

7. What’s that god-awful smell?

8. This is me last cruise, mate. After this, I’m joining a monastery.

9. Someday I’m going to marry a sweet, wholesome, old fashion girl.

10. A haircut and a shave please.

11. I have more than enough. You take my share of the booty.

12. The wenches in this tavern are far too depraved for me.

13. May I touch yer booty? ( sez a pirate as he looks at a wench’s money.)

14. May I touch yer booty? (sez a pirate as he eyes the rump of a curvaceous wench.)

15. It’s been ten years since I had me a drink.

16. Play cards? No thanks. I want to finish this article in the New York Times.

17. Put yer clothes on, ye saucy wench. You’re embarrassing me.

18. Let’s chase that ship down and give ‘er all our gold.

19. We need a new flag with fairies and rainbows on it.

20. Let’s fill our cannons with M&M’s and sweeten the world.

21. I’m going to volunteer for the Red Cross when I get into port.
22. Where’s the next AA meeting?

23. Not tonight, me lass. I have a headache.

24. Do you have a Laundromat in this town?

25. Watch yer foul mouth! Yer embarrassing the rest of us pirates.

26. Get off the ship and carouse? I’d rather stay onboard and have some quiet time for myself.

27. I can’t go drinking with you. My yoga class starts in ten minutes.

28. Can ye please turn the Dr. Phil Show on, mate?

29. That’s a nasty cut! Can I get ye a bandaid?

30. I got a big problem. I have five library books due, and I lost another.

31. Come on, ye naughty wench. Get out of that bed and see if there’s a Gideon’s Bible in the night table drawer.

32. Is this gluten free?

33. The bristles on me toothbrush are getting soft. Time to get another one.

34. The wenches here are too evil. I’m signing up for ChristianMingle.com.

35. My shrink says I’m on the verge of a breakthrough.

36. You hurt my feelings.

37. I’m cutting back. I’ll just have a light beer, thank you.

38. Can ye turn down that music? Me wench and I are trying to have a meaningful conversation.

39. My heroes? St. Francis of Assissi and Mother Therese.

40. Bless me, father, for I have sinned.

41. And lead us not into temptation. (I can find it myself.)

42. The pirate life wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for all the rum and wenches.

43. We’re going on another voyage of plundering? What am I supposed to do with all the booty I got left?
44. I can’t wait to get back to the ship fer a home-cooked meal.

45. I hope our next ship has a larger Laundromat. The washing machines on this one are always busy.

46. I’m not going in there to drink. Everyone is too depraved.

47. Here’s some roses and candy I brought you from me last raid.

48. I can’t go pillaging tonight. The Princess Bride is on.

49. Can ye turn that hockey game off, mate? It’s too violent fer me.

50. That’s the last of the rum? No, you drink it!

51. Father Santiago wants me to take up the collection on Sunday.

52. Has anyone seen my Bible?

53. Go hide yer money. I’ll look the other way.

54. Can I pay fer the damages to yer boat?

55. You can change here. I promise to cover me eyes.

56. Father Morales picked me to clean the gold candle sticks. All twenty of them. Imagine that!

57. There’s nothing like a nine-to-five job.

58. No rum for me, but I will have a cup of herbal tea.

59. I’ve always looked for a girl I can be proud to bring home to my mother.

60. I can’t wait to get into port. I need a vacation from all this plundering and pillaging.

                                          Bill Hegerich 

                                        The Uncommon Mariner

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