
Even pirates have their limitations, and there arrrgghh just some things a pirate will never say.
- Ye think ye can pick me up some deodorant when ye go ashore, mate?
- Why don’t we donate this booty to the reverend so he can build a new church?
- More rum? No thanks, mate. I’ve had my fill.
- Keep yer gold and silver, folks. Ye need it more than me.
- It’s Sunday, mate. Let’s bow our heads in prayer.
- Does this sword and pistol make me look too violent?
- What’s that god-awful smell?
- This is me last cruise, mate. After this, I’m joining a monastery.
- Someday I’m going to marry a sweet, wholesome, old fashion girl.
- A haircut and a shave please.
- I have more than enough. You take my share of the booty.
- The wenches in this tavern are far too depraved for me.
- May I touch yer booty? ( sez a pirate as he looks at a wench’s money.)
- May I touch yer booty? (sez a pirate as he eyes the rump of a curvaceous wench.)
- It’s been ten years since I had me a drink.
- Play cards? No thanks. I want to finish this article in the New York Times.
- Put yer clothes on, ye saucy wench. You’re embarrassing me.
- Let’s chase that ship down and give ‘er all our gold.
- We need a new flag with fairies and rainbows on it.
- Let’s fill our cannons with M&M’s and sweeten the world.
- I’m going to volunteer for the Red Cross when I get into port.
- Where’s the next AA meeting?
- Not tonight, me lass. I have a headache.
- Do you have a Laundromat in this town?
- Watch yer foul mouth! Yer embarrassing the rest of us pirates.
- Get off the ship and carouse? I’d rather stay onboard and have some quiet time for myself.
- I can’t go drinking with you. My yoga class starts in ten minutes.
- Can ye please turn the Dr. Phil Show on, mate?
- That’s a nasty cut! Can I get ye a bandaid?
- I got a big problem. I have five library books due, and I lost another.
- Come on, ye naughty wench. Get out of that bed and see if there’s a Gideon’s Bible in the night table drawer.
- Is this gluten free?
- The bristles on me toothbrush are getting soft. Time to get another one.
- The wenches here are too evil. I’m signing up for ChristianMingle.com.
- My shrink says I’m on the verge of a breakthrough.
- You hurt my feelings.
- I’m cutting back. I’ll just have a light beer, thank you.
- Can ye turn down that music? Me wench and I are trying to have a meaningful conversation.
- My heroes? St. Francis of Assissi and Mother Therese.
- Bless me, father, for I have sinned.
- And lead us not into temptation. (I can find it myself.)
- The pirate life wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for all the rum and wenches.
- We’re going on another voyage of plundering? What am I supposed to do with all the booty I got left?
- I can’t wait to get back to the ship fer a home-cooked meal.
- I hope our next ship has a larger Laundromat. The washing machines on this one are always busy.
- I’m not going in there to drink. Everyone is too depraved.
- Here’s some roses and candy I brought you from me last raid.
- I can’t go pillaging tonight. The Princess Bride is on.
- Can ye turn that hockey game off, mate? It’s too violent fer me.
- That’s the last of the rum? No, you drink it!
- Father Santiago wants me to take up the collection on Sunday.
- Has anyone seen my Bible?
- Go hide yer money. I’ll look the other way.
- Can I pay fer the damages to yer boat?
- You can change here. I promise to cover me eyes.
- Father Morales picked me to clean the gold candle sticks. All twenty of them. Imagine that!
- There’s nothing like a nine-to-five job.
- No rum for me, but I will have a cup of herbal tea.
- I’ve always looked for a girl I can be proud to bring home to my mother.
- I can’t wait to get into port. I need a vacation from all this plundering and pillaging.
Bill Hegerich
The Uncommon Mariner
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