You may find this hard to believe, but pirates have taken over a cruise ship. Legally. Yes, that’s right. It’s called The Bare Bones and the captain is a close friend of mine, Captain Billy Jacks Parrot. He asked me not to use his real name for fear the Enquirer would do a story on him and that would inevitably lead to an interview by the New York Times, and, being a pirate, he’s got a few skeletons in the closet. He’s got enough customs agents down in the Caribbean wanting to ask him questions he’d rather not answer. Besides his ship is still in the testing phase of the concept and he doesn’t want to go full frontal just yet.
So I’m Captain Billy’s front man in a manner of speaking. I don’t know who’s covering his rear. Probably his girlfriend. Or is it the other way around?
At any rate, to simplify things, I’m just passing on the letter he sent me explaining how he’s plundering the cruise industry with pirate abandon. I haven’t changed a word except those parts that might be a bit embarrassing because Captain Billy being a sailor and all frequently forgets the line between proper and bawdy. Actually, I don’t think Captain Billy knows there is a line.
“Carnival touts itself as the Fun Cruise Ship, but pirates know a whole lot more about having fun on a ship than Carnival ever will. After all, look how long pirates have been doing it compared to these cruise lines.
If ye ever sailed on a cruise ship, ye know their motto by heart. “Suck as much booty out of the passengers as you can, and do it faster than ye can say Yo Ho Ho.” I seen first hand how it works, and Captain Billy Jacks Parrot and his lusty crew can do a whole lot better.
First off, there’s the dress code. A lot of men and women bring their whole wardrobe on ship. Are you serious? Suits and gowns and tuxedos and high heels for dining in exclusive restaurants and Dress Up Night. Not on the Bare Bones. If ye show up at the Captain’s table wearing that, me and me crew will laugh ya out to the gang plank. Fer dress up night, yer cleanest dirty shirt and a new bandana is almost being overdressed. As fer dress code during the day, wear whatcha want. A bikini works fine but not too skimpy. If the Coast Guard finds out there’s a lot of crack on board, they’ll be boarding us constantly. Deep down there’s a pirate in every single one of them scalawags.
Veteran travelers know all about those little credit cards cruise lines give ya. Some call them Sign and Sail. They work jest like a credit card and are used not so much for yer benefit as the cruise lines. The more ye swipe it, the more money they earn. Well, Captain Billy and his crew issue you a Sail and Steal card. Once on board, it’s your license to steal anything that’s not nailed down. Of course, we’ll probably steal it back from ye when yer not lookin’, but that’s the fun of being on a pirate ship.
Next is that expensive liquor package. History! Gone! As fast and neat as Blackbeard’s head. Fer gawd’s sake, this is a pirate ship and it shouldn’t cost ye an arm and a leg fer a little rum. Arms and legs are at a premium on a pirate ship. So smuggle as much as ye want on board. And I do mean smuggle. After all it’s not fun unless ye think yer getting away with something. Ye jest be sure to bring a little something extra fer good old Captain Billy though, ye hear?
Ye might be wondering how this affects the bottle of wine ye bring to the galley. Cruise ships charge what they call a Corking Fee. I say bring yer own damn opener if ye want! We don’t bloody care! We’ll even open the bottle at no charge! On the Bare Bones, the Corking Fee becomes Corking Free!!!
Some of ye may be disappointed when we tell ye no photography on board, but what self respectin’ pirate wants anyone chronicling’ his shennanigans with photos. What happens on board, stays on board, mate! That’s why any scalawag pointing a phone at anyone will have to see the ship proctologist to retrieve it. And that stinks!
After several cruises, we discovered our massage parlor was far more popular than the beauty parlor, so git yer hair done before boarding, ladies. We now have two locations, and massages are done by board certified pirates. Board certified means our pirates have walked the gang plank several times. Our motto: We Know What ye Knead, and We Can Put Our Finger On It. And ye get yer money back if we rub ye the wrong way.
And when ye finish with yer massage, ye might consider getting yer ears pierced like any good pirate would do. There’s a small charge. A Buccaneer.
There are quite a number of other changes that make us far superior to other cruise lines which I be’s glad to share with ye another time. Even so, I think ye can see yer in fer a rollicking good time. When Bare Bones Cruises is ready to go public, you’ll know first hand right here. But before I be gittin’ back to me shipmates, I want to thank the Uncommon Mariner fer lettin’ me apprise ye of things to come. See ya out there on the High Seas! But it better be on me ship, mate. Or ye be in the ship house fer sure. Smooth Sailin’, mates! Arrrrgh!
Captain Billy Jacks Parrot and Bill Hegerich, The Uncommon Mariner, are equally guilty of this week’s blog.
To respond to their antics, click on https://billhegerichsr.wordpress.com/2016/03/
…We’re a little more than two weeks into the new year, and King Neptune is already making waves. We’ve had hurricane Alex in the North Atlantic, lashing out at the Azores. We haven’t seen the likes of a January hurricane since 1955. To make matters worse, Tropical storm Pauli formed off Hawaii last week, only the third time this has happened in forty years. Let’s hope we haven’t awakened the wrath of King Neptune. He’s got plenty to be angry about.
…Last week you read about some of the things we need to focus on this year. This week I’d like to direct your attention to a few others. If we continue to make progress, Neptune will have a lot to smile about come December, and who knows? Maybe he’ll go back to sleep. .
… Ocean acidification. Given the size of the sea, this may seem like a pretty remote threat, but the stark truth is, it’s impacting our seas and the creatures in them. When we burn fossil fuels, the carbon dioxide falls not only back to earth but the sea. The oceans can absorb only so much of this crap till it becomes more and more acidic, affecting every single species of life from coral to sharks and whales. The more we reduce our carbon imprint, the healthier the seas will be.
…The slaughter of bottlenose dolphins at Taiji Cove in Japan. Last year over 500 dolphins were driven into the cove where they splashed helplessly in nets trying to reach others in their pod. A 100 were then slaughtered, many driven onto a beach where their spines were cut, supposedly so they’d experience less pain. How’s that for being compassionate!
…The environmental group Sea Shepherd launched Operation Henkaku on September 01 last year. If you want to help stop this barbaric travesty, you can do two things: watch their videos, one of which is a livestream, at www.seashepherd.org; second, you can donate to help bring their efforts to fruition. Mailing address is Sea Shepherd Conservation Society, PO Box 96059, Washington, DC 20090-6059.
…The release of bottlenose dolphins and whales held in captivity across the globe. Performing stupid tricks aren’t the only unnatural acts these helpless creatures are forced to endure. These highly social animals are often inbred to keep the travesty going.
…If you ever swam with a dolphin or applauded at a SeaWorld when it did cute tricks, you’re part of the problem. Perhaps you never considered that these highly social animals crave each other’s company not isolated in a prison of concrete and water. They may not be ordering lattes with their cousins at Starbucks or gathering for services on Sunday, but the presence of these animals in the ocean is just as sacred as what any humans do in church. When will you see the light, brothers and sisters, and work for their release? Continue reading →