The Uncommon Mariner
To leave a comment, click on https://billhegerichsr.wordpress.com/2019/05/06/fifty-things-youll-never-find-on-a-pirate-ship/ Happy voyages out there on the High Seas of Life. Don’t forget to have some fun.
Aarrrgh is one of the defining words in our common psyche when we think of pirates. My wife says two mature, normal grown-ups can’t help but smile when they utter that word to each other. You can be a pirate aficionado, a parrothead with 50 years of partying and pirating under your sash, or just plain nuts like me, but the response will always be the same when someone greets you with “Aarrrgh!”
I don’t know why that is. As Johnny Depp says, “Enjoy the ride while it lasts.” Don’t question the gift of Aarrgh when someone brightens your day with one.
I taught school for over 37 years, and it’s the one word that’s practically impossible to misspell though I know a few people who would come close. Despite what you think and what you’ve seen in the dozens of pirate books you’ve read, there really is no one way to spell Aarrrgh.
Here are some of the more common ways. Aarrrgh! Aaarr! Arrrr! Arrr! Arrrgh! For the sake of consistency, I’m using Arr, though there are times when Arrgh is better.
Some historians assert that pirates never once uttered the word Aarrgh or anything like it. They assert that the word is a Hollywood device that can be traced back to Long John Silver in the story Treasure Island. I don’t think they would argue their point so loud if they were looking down the barrel of a Caribbean pirate’s cannon, or dancing a jig at the end of a pirate sword.
The fact is, many pirates were Irish, Welsh, and English. All three spoke with distinct accents that gave Aarrrgh a delightful flavor. Count among Welsh pirates, Henry Morgan, the inspiration behind Captain Morgan rum, and Black Bart aka Bartholomew Roberts. I don’t think a lot of people reading this would have wanted to sail on Roberts’ ship. He preferred to drink tea instead of rum.
Captain William Kidd was Scottish. I think his Aarrgh would have been as good as anyone’s in history. Blackbeard and Edward England were both English as was Calico Jack Rackham though his shipmate the notorious Anne Bonny was born in County Cork, Ireland. Anne delighted in revealing her breast to the men she conquered. Talk about wild Irish lasses! That alone deserves an Aaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!
That’s not to say there weren’t French, Spanish, and Dutch pirates. Boy, there were plenty of those too. But I just don’t know how you can put a French or Dutch accent on Aarrrgh! Awkward!!!
The following are thirty pirate riddles with the word Aarrr in the answer. I have no doubt even Henry Morgan, if he sobered up long enough, would surely be amused. Ready or not, here they Arrr!
1.How do pirates like their eggs?
2. Where in the Caribbean do pirates go for vacation?
3. What’s a pirate’s favorite game fish?
4. Why was the pirate voted most valuable player in baseball?
Because he had the most Arrr BI’s.
5. What happened to the movie about pirates who plundered a ship with scantily clad wenches?
It was raided Arrr!
6. What music do pirates listen to?
Arrr and B
7. What’s a pirate’s favorite musical instrument?
8. What was the pirate’s explosive secret weapon?
9. What were pirates doing in the dollar store?
Looking for a b-arrr-gain.
10. What do pirates like to smoke after a day of pillaging and wenching?
11. What does a pirate do after brushing his teeth?
He g-arrr-gles with rum.
12. What did Blackbeard do when fuses got hopelessly tangled in his beard?
He went to a b-arrr-ber.
13. What do pirates like inscribed on their tombstone?
Arrr I P
14. Why didn’t the pirate say anything at his own trial?
Because there was no use in Arrr-guing with the judge.
15. Why did the pirate interrupt the band in the middle of the song?
He didn’t like the Arrr-angement.
16. What famous pirate appeared in Star Wars?
Arrr 2 D 2.
17. What’s a pirate’s favorite part of the boardwalk?
18. What do you call a muscular pirate with a German accent?
19. What vegetable does a cook never serve on a pirate ship?
20. Why did the pirate drink unsweetened iced tea?
He didn’t like Arrr-tificial sweeteners.
21. Where do pirates hold their tailgate party before a night of plundering?
In the p-arrr-king lot.
22. What TV show do pirates like to watch when they get up in the morning?
23. What job did the pirate volunteer for on Thanksgiving Day?
C-arrr-ving the turkey.
24. Why was the pirate limping?
25. How do pirates spend their Saturday mornings?
They go to yarrr-d sales.
26. If God is a pirate, what’s the first thing he’s going to ask to see when you reach heaven?
27. What kind of toilet paper do pirates use?
28. What’s the smelliest part of a pirate?
His Arrr-m pit.
29. Who was the best pirate to ever play golf?
30. What did God tell Noah to do when he turned pirate?
Start building an Arrr-k.
How about you? I bet there’s a little pirate in you yearning to break free. What arrr you waiting for? Let me hear your best aarrr jokes.
To leave a comment, click on https://billhegerichsr.wordpress.com/2019/04/10/aaaarrrrgh/ with a sense of humor.
The Uncommon Mariner
You may find this hard to believe, but pirates have taken over a cruise ship. Legally. Yes, that’s right. It’s called The Bare Bones and the captain is a close friend of mine, Captain Billy Jacks Parrot. He asked me not to use his real name for fear the Enquirer would do a story on him and that would inevitably lead to an interview by the New York Times, and, being a pirate, he’s got a few skeletons in the closet. He’s got enough customs agents down in the Caribbean wanting to ask him questions he’d rather not answer. Besides his ship is still in the testing phase of the concept and he doesn’t want to go full frontal just yet.
So I’m Captain Billy’s front man in a manner of speaking. I don’t know who’s covering his rear. Probably his girlfriend. Or is it the other way around?
At any rate, to simplify things, I’m just passing on the letter he sent me explaining how he’s plundering the cruise industry with pirate abandon. I haven’t changed a word except those parts that might be a bit embarrassing because Captain Billy being a sailor and all frequently forgets the line between proper and bawdy. Actually, I don’t think Captain Billy knows there is a line.
“Carnival touts itself as the Fun Cruise Ship, but pirates know a whole lot more about having fun on a ship than Carnival ever will. After all, look how long pirates have been doing it compared to these cruise lines.
If ye ever sailed on a cruise ship, ye know their motto by heart. “Suck as much booty out of the passengers as you can, and do it faster than ye can say Yo Ho Ho.” I seen first hand how it works, and Captain Billy Jacks Parrot and his lusty crew can do a whole lot better.
First off, there’s the dress code. A lot of men and women bring their whole wardrobe on ship. Are you serious? Suits and gowns and tuxedos and high heels for dining in exclusive restaurants and Dress Up Night. Not on the Bare Bones. If ye show up at the Captain’s table wearing that, me and me crew will laugh ya out to the gang plank. Fer dress up night, yer cleanest dirty shirt and a new bandana is almost being overdressed. As fer dress code during the day, wear whatcha want. A bikini works fine but not too skimpy. If the Coast Guard finds out there’s a lot of crack on board, they’ll be boarding us constantly. Deep down there’s a pirate in every single one of them scalawags.
Veteran travelers know all about those little credit cards cruise lines give ya. Some call them Sign and Sail. They work jest like a credit card and are used not so much for yer benefit as the cruise lines. The more ye swipe it, the more money they earn. Well, Captain Billy and his crew issue you a Sail and Steal card. Once on board, it’s your license to steal anything that’s not nailed down. Of course, we’ll probably steal it back from ye when yer not lookin’, but that’s the fun of being on a pirate ship.
Next is that expensive liquor package. History! Gone! As fast and neat as Blackbeard’s head. Fer gawd’s sake, this is a pirate ship and it shouldn’t cost ye an arm and a leg fer a little rum. Arms and legs are at a premium on a pirate ship. So smuggle as much as ye want on board. And I do mean smuggle. After all it’s not fun unless ye think yer getting away with something. Ye jest be sure to bring a little something extra fer good old Captain Billy though, ye hear?
Ye might be wondering how this affects the bottle of wine ye bring to the galley. Cruise ships charge what they call a Corking Fee. I say bring yer own damn opener if ye want! We don’t bloody care! We’ll even open the bottle at no charge! On the Bare Bones, the Corking Fee becomes Corking Free!!!
Some of ye may be disappointed when we tell ye no photography on board, but what self respectin’ pirate wants anyone chronicling’ his shennanigans with photos. What happens on board, stays on board, mate! That’s why any scalawag pointing a phone at anyone will have to see the ship proctologist to retrieve it. And that stinks!
After several cruises, we discovered our massage parlor was far more popular than the beauty parlor, so git yer hair done before boarding, ladies. We now have two locations, and massages are done by board certified pirates. Board certified means our pirates have walked the gang plank several times. Our motto: We Know What ye Knead, and We Can Put Our Finger On It. And ye get yer money back if we rub ye the wrong way.
And when ye finish with yer massage, ye might consider getting yer ears pierced like any good pirate would do. There’s a small charge. A Buccaneer.
There are quite a number of other changes that make us far superior to other cruise lines which I be’s glad to share with ye another time. Even so, I think ye can see yer in fer a rollicking good time. When Bare Bones Cruises is ready to go public, you’ll know first hand right here. But before I be gittin’ back to me shipmates, I want to thank the Uncommon Mariner fer lettin’ me apprise ye of things to come. See ya out there on the High Seas! But it better be on me ship, mate. Or ye be in the ship house fer sure. Smooth Sailin’, mates! Arrrrgh!
Captain Billy Jacks Parrot and Bill Hegerich, The Uncommon Mariner, are equally guilty of this week’s blog.
To respond to their antics, click on https://billhegerichsr.wordpress.com/2016/03/